the little things

I haven't been able to sleep lately. I'm pretty sure my body is trying to right itself to U.S. time, which is weird.

A couple of nights ago at about 4 a.m. I was thinking about The Little Man. I've kept myself busy enough for the last couple of years that I can manage this, but when it's late and I'm alone, sometimes I think about him a lot. I wonder who his new friends are and if he's behaving himself; what he likes these days and what he's excited about... I wonder about the boy he's growing into.

They never, never communicate with me. Sometimes I wish The Little Man and I communicated on our own, but I'm not going to push it. I just don't think that would be right somehow.

Even though his behavior was so problematic and troubled by the time I left, there were also so many normal, sweet, everyday little kid things. I miss those. I miss the good relationship he and I had.

I miss quiet conversations over afterschool snacks and sleepy Saturday mornings snuggling on the couch in front of cartoons (he's entirely too preadolescent for this now anyway). !I miss licking the batter bowl and mixer attachments with him -- and when he'd give them both to me because he knew I liked them more than he did I miss the funny little things he'd say sometimes just out of nowhere... I can't think of any now, but just little out-of-nowhere comments that made it clear he understood more about what was going on than we thought he did. Just the regular little kid stuff. I miss him.

I still can hardly imagine that we were a family and now we're not. It's a really difficult concept to get my head around, even though the reality is so tangible... that I had a home and family and now I don't. Steve goes through life creating family over and over again. That is so strange to me. It isn't how I wanted it to be.