Two things, really, but I don't have much to say about the first: It's just that it's amazing how lonely I can still be even though I encounter lots of people every day. I miss intimate talk: friendship, family, love. I think of calling you a lot, but often when it's the middle of the night your time... or mine. I have pictures out all over my house right now... of childhood in FL, fun in CO, college, Marni and my high school buddies... just to remember that you are all out there! One of my colleagues said this morning that I need to get a real life instead of having a virtual one. Ouch.
The second thing is this: I so believe in being the source of life, being personally responsible for whatever happens... creating an intention, going out and making it happen... do you know what I mean? I really believe we each create our own lives, and I think so many people die waiting for "someday" to happen or regretting things they never said or did or saw.
But I keep running into messages and people that say, "You can't force things. You can't MAKE that happen. You can't bull-in-the-china-shop this." It brings up Fate, Letting Go, Control... for example, finding love when you stop looking kind-of thing.
It runs counter to who I say I am in the world:
Who I am is an awesome force of nature -- entertaining, inspiring, calling forth talent, action, adventure and acknowledgment.Maybe I'm just hanging out with the wrong people!
What do you think?
3 comments:
Hi, sweetie. Sorry it took me so long to comment. Okay so when I re-read this I got confused about what your question is! My first take was - family, friends, intimate connections do indeed take time. Whether or not we are all powerful, sourcing miracles and whatnot... there are some things that cannot be created (nor healed) without a good dose of time. Think, for instance. List off those of us that you are missing. Think of the many occassions (years, even) that you've spent getting to know us, latte-ing with us, laughing with us. The stories, the connections, the innuendos. There is a reason we call real friendships gifts. It's because they are woven together over time into brilliant spreads that somehow create art.
On second read, here's my take - if indeed you are an 8 on the enneagram (which my book by the way describes as "challenger"), it is common that people say these things to 8's because this is what 8's do. They are in our face, in some ways even punching us right in the nose with their steel fist! When eights are "in power" they integrate to the two - the helper. I'll share a little from my enneagram bible: to do this "eights reconnect with their hearts to see how much they care about people. For eights to be able to embrace their bigness of heart, they must first gather the courage to reveal it. This requires they trust in something beyond their own wits and power - and that, of course, requires letting go of many of their fundamental defenses. Integrating 8's make outstanding leaders because they clearly communicate their profound respect and appreciation of other human beings. They are also effective because, like healthy Twos, they recognize boundaries and limits. As they learn to nuture themselves and to accept vulnerability in their lives, their health and sense of well-being improve. They work hard but also know when it is time to rest, to eat, to restore their strength". I don't know about you but I thought that sounded right on cue for you don't you know?
If there's one thing I would encourage you to do right now is really practice letting yourself be vulnerable with those in your originating circle. These conversations you're having *are* the key to everything you want. The "work" of manifesting your intentions is to simply keep in dialogue... remember the 7 stages of conversation? Listen/Express is first!
Much love to you...
And P.S. You're in a foreign country, of course you feel that lonely ache right? I find it totally natural - but be encouraged by those of us over here getting to read your adventures as you LIVE them!!
I wish I had some advice, but all I can say is that I know exactly how you feel. I've been living in San Francisco for almost exactly one year and I am so lonely for friends. This was a tough weekend and I came this close to throwing in the towel and moving us all back to Colorado. It feels hopeless sometimes. I keep getting the feeling that these people out here are just "not my people". But the more I feel that way, the more I push people away. The more lonely I feel, the more insecure I get and the more I withdraw from people. It's a vicious cycle right now. I feel like I often really let myself be vulnerable with people, but when they do not reciprocate, I feel hurt and rejected. I make up that it's because I'm in California and all anyone cares about is looking good. How is that story serving me? I have been so judgmental.
I know it takes time to nurture friendships and grow trust, but I'm impatient and I'm lonely, and I'm scared because soon I will be a stay at home mom with a very limited amount of support in the form of community.
I hope this doesn't feel like 'trauma-sharing'. It was just nice for me to hear someone echoing my feelings. I do believe we create our realities and I see so clearly, recently, the things I have created that are keeping me seperate. And I am ready to let go of those things, to step out, to be brave and reach out to people and to keep reaching out to people.
It sounds like you have some lovely, burgeoning friendships over there. It's difficult not to compare them to friendships that are the product of many years of shared experiences. They are different. They will not feed you in the same way, but feed you they will. I wish you the best. I wish for you everything your heart is calling for.
Thanks for opening up the space and giving me a forum to vent these feelings for myself. It helps a lot.
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