Finding my voice

I wrote that phrase in my gratitude journal today, and then realized that it means so many different things. There's this voice, the writing voice... finding it and letting it loose on the world, not being afraid to share it and see what happens next. There's risk in that, you know.

Then there's finding the voice inside that has things to say. I get lost sometimes, forget who I am. In those times I sometimes go years without singing, and this is really what I want to write about:

I think it may have started with Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life." I had a Mr. Microphone, did you? There was something about the register of "You Light Up My Life;" I think her voice might be lower than most pop stars I'd heard... something about that song had me feel singing in my body in a way I'd never known before.

And then for years I sang and sang and sang. I never wanted to give my life over to it, but I love to sing for people. Those years when I am lost to myself, I don't sing -- not even in the shower. Sometimes I forget what it's like.

Lately I've been singing a lot, though, and I wish that I could bottle it or share the feeling with you. Today I stood in front of a mirror singing, trying to think of how to write what it's like, to share this... where is the resonance, how would I describe the sound when it's just right and good? How could I convey the surprise when that beauty just comes out -- just walking down the street?! What an awesome built-in entertainment system! It still surprises me. Sometimes I sing the same verse or line over and over, just all by myself, because I'm surprised I can do some little trill, a tone, a particular sound. It's like slowly rolling a piece of fine dark chocolate around in your mouth for a while, savoring its rich 70% cocoa goodness.

This must be what it's like when little toddling boys find their penises. I wish I could share. That could explain a lot of disconcerting playground behavior.

DISCLAIMER/ADDENDUM: People have reacted in funny ways to these last few lines. I have several friends who are currently occupied with their 2-year-old little boys. Many of them tell funny stories... one recently posted a blog about a little boy taking off all his clothes at a public playground... a sort of "Look what I have!" expression. That's what I was thinking about -- nothing x-rated or grown up, just that innocent wonder at our our physical beings.